Rather Disappointing

Get it right David Cameron, it's not broken Britain – it's Great Britain.

The Tory’s have again decided to be the half empty party.

As the first rays of sunshine break through the storm the Conservatives still have not a good word to say about anything. Conservatives money man Philip Hammond today said the recovery was all “rather disappointing”.

SOUR

Head Tory money man George Osborne said “One of the reasons the recovery is so weak is that there is a lack of confidence.” But don’t worry, you can be completely confident that the Conservatives will be sour, snotty and glum.

The problem starts with David Cameron’s outlook. He still says Britain is broken. Get it right Dave, it’s not broken Britain – it’s Great Britain.

Lib Dem money man joined the Gloom fest saying “The brutal truth is the British economy is not recovering.”

PROUD

Look, we’re out of the recession.

The determination, kindness and hope of the many got us through this tough time. It’s not over – but still we should be very proud.

But no, no, they keep will saying the glass is half empty.

And if you don’t believe them they’ll just cut cut cut the milk until you do.

It’s all… rather disappointing.

Toot, toot

The one man David Cameron blows his own horn, again

Poor Dave, he’s confused again.

David Cameron called the recession “The Great Recession” then went on to talk about ‘Broken Britain’.

Someone should really tell him, it was a bad recession – and it’s Great Britain.

ALONE

It’s becoming more and more clear that it’s just Cameron. Never anyone else. He’s a one man band –  and he obviously doesn’t mind blowing his own horn.

Gordon Brown said he was confident the UK is recovering. He again said that cuts too soon would lead to catastrophe, causing Britain to slip back of the cliff and maybe even fall futher. Yet the Conservatives are still frothing at the mouth, waiting to cut cut cut.

BANKS

Meanwhile Lib Dem money man Vince Cable was up on his high hoarse again trying to say ‘I told you so’.

He said “Until the banks are broken up, and are able to compete and succeed or fail without UK government guarantees, they should pay an insurance premium – a supplementary tax on bank profits.“

He is right. But toot, toot ay Vince?

Toot, toot.

A heart of coal

'You might as well take it off Dave - you just look rediculous.'

Suprise, suprise.

David Cameron is all alone on Green issues.

When Conservatives likely to be elected MPs were asked about their priorities “Reducing Britain’s carbon footprint” came last.

This has been one issue where Dave has really been trying to show his Party has changed. Tories even changed their party symbol to a tree. And don’t get me wrong, I like the tree. Problem is – the leaf hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

GET IT

In the past Conservatives said the government shouldn’t restrict big business profits with little things like saving the world. Some say they’ve changed. I wish it was change we could believe in.

But peel back the wood veneer and there’s still a heart of coal.

Actually we probably shouldn’t

Oliver Letwin spends his time thinking of new ways for Dave to say nothing

Conservative policy chief Oliver Letwin – the man who spends all day every day working out new exciting way to do nothing – has said all Tory policy is focused on “decentralisation, accountability, and transparency”.

I couldn’t work out how he could say this – when almost every Tory policy is the exact opposite of each. But he then went on to say everything David Cameron does must not increase total spending and it all made sense. One thing Dave can do is talk. Because talk is cheap.

HOPE

Meanwhile the first signs of hope began to shine through. The number of unemployed people has fallen. The steps taken by Gordon Brown and the Labour Government have worked.

When the fire looked like it was going out, Labour put more wood on and blew. They took early action, putting money into the economy and keeping the flame alight. They knew if they let that fire go out, it would be hard to start again with broken matches and wet wood.

TWAT

Lib Dem Leader Nick Clegg has announced on Twitter that young people should not get Jobseeker’s Allowance for more than 3 months before beginning training, education or a work placement.

David Cameron once said “too many twits make a twat”… he must Tweet loads.

Little Dave’s on-again off-again relationship with his Marriage bribe policy today became a definite commitment. But he said it would be 5 years before the Tories did it.

I think we can definitely call that commitment. Hang on, can we? Actually we probably shouldn’t.

Just Say it Again

David Cameron said teaching should be a "noble profession"

Today David Cameron launched part of his party’s education manifesto. Announcing an “elitist” recruitment drive for teachers, saying he wanted to make teaching “the noble profession”. I say ‘announced’ it wasn’t actually an anouncement as it was already Conservative policy. But hey, fruit bowl looking empty? Get the lemon, spray it orange, say you’ve got an orange. Hope no one bites.

Tory Education man Michael Gove said he wanted “better quality people”- ‘if only education was more likeWaitrose’.

IMPACT

Labour’s Education man Ed Balls was taking steps to stop teachers in any school hurting children. There is a currently a loophole which some faith schools use to allow violence towards students.

Gordon Brown trebled the money it is giving to help Haiti to over $30 million and dontation from the British people hit £15m. The EU announced $575 million in help. It’s a wonderful world.

SILENCE

Meanwhile Lib Dem Leader Nick Clegg spoke out about the ability to speak out. He said wealthy corporations could basically silence others under the current laws. I don’t think anyone was listening.

And finally Mayor of London Boris Johnson has U-Turned on bankers. After months of protecting his fat cat mates today he told banking bosses to lower “excessive” bonuses.

David Cameron’s Spin thugs have finally got the Mayor ‘on message’. No doubt they had to get him to say it again and again first – until he could do it without wincing. Then said ‘now go out there…

and just say it again.’

They still make silk

Cameronia Papilionoidea uses it's wing markings to attract voters

So it’s almost official. We have done it. We have recovered.

The sacrifices of the many have gotten us through this testing time. It is the spirit of someone who offers a hot drink to a stranger that gets us through the cold. It is the same warm spirit of those who took pay freezes to stop another losing their job that got us through this tough time. By not buckling to the temptation “I must get out of this” and instead believing “we all must get out of this” we have shown that in time we will walk back up the path to prosperity.

When the figures are released in a bit over a week it looks likely they will say UK economy grew by 0.3 per cent in the past three months. A small, but very important step back onto solid ground.

HOLD ON

But before you order that flake for your ice-cream hold on – the recovery still hangs by a thread. Whilst Labour’s team of policy spiders try to weave new bonds the Tories still promise ‘cuts, cuts, cuts’.

Cuts – thread – bad.

Don’t like spiders? You can have a butterfly. A creepy caterpillar that spent a lot of time working on it’s image. I don’t fully understand what the butterfly effect is – but I saw the movie – and I know it’s scary.

Now spiders aren’t great. They can be scary. Some people are outright afraid of them. The biggest spider of them all – a certain Scottish spider – doesn’t smile much, but remember…

They still make silk.

In his defence

Trying to airbrush out David Cameron's disagreement with his International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell

David Cameron today said if he won the election he would take money from Britain’s international aid budget to spend on a new military force. The announcement will offend many as it comes in the shadow of the earthquake in Haiti. Even within his own party the policy caused an anger even little Dave couldn’t airbrush out.

But, in his defence – at least he’s spoken of policy for once.

HOPE

Gordon Brown said the £10m of Britain’s international aid budget and the public’s donations are being used to “great effect” in Haiti.

Gordon’s Government today took steps to set in law an increase in Britain’s contribution to international development. He said “it is in our interest … to give the world back its future and hope.”

PAY BACK

Lib Dem money man Vince Cable said his party would ensure the banks pay for the support they get from taxpayers. He said it was a pity neither the US or British government was willing to stand up to the big banks.

Even though earlier this week Obama announced he will make banks pay back the taxpayer. Something many hope will also be done in the UK.

SLASH

Tory money man George Osborne announced some cuts he would make if the Conservatives got in. His suggestions wouldn’t even dint the debt he is so desperately trying to reduce. Yet another example of hollow Tory talk.

Vince Cable said these measures could do damage if rushed. Osborne seems to want to put the chandelier back up before the glue has dried.

In his defence he is hosting a Bullingdon club reunion soon and can’t wait. We all know how angry Boris gets if the chandelier isn’t up.

Just the beginning

David Cameron will be spending £18m putting his face everywhere

The Conservatives have accused the Labour party of using public money to fund their election campaign. The ads saying ‘stop the spread of swine flu – don’t cough in each other’s face’ did have serious Communist messages. Wait – no, no they didn’t.

On the other hand, one of the few commitments Tory leader David Cameron has made is to spend on his election campaign. Oh yes – the half a million little Dave spent putting his airbrushed face on 800 billboards around the country is just the beginning.

HELP

Meanwhile, Gordon Brown has promised $10 million funding for Haiti. The money will help people by providing water, sanitation, health, food and shelters. He urged the public to support aid efforts, and said that his government was doing “everything we can” to help. Labour’s Minister for International Development said “this is only the start”.

Also today, Labour Health minister Mike O’Brien apologised on behalf of the British Government to all those who suffered the side-effects of Thalidomide. He said the Labour Government will give £20 million to help Thalidomide survivors.

NOT ENOUGH

The Lib Dems money man Vince Cable has said not enough has been done to change the banking system. He said “we have a sense of business as usual”.

It does feel like we left a kid alone with scissors, he cut up the sofa, we’ve given him a bit of a talking to and we’re going to turn our backs again. We have to do more. What we’ve done so far is…

Just the beginning.